Is that your chick?!

“Get Ur Freak On”

Missy Elliott

2001

Miss E… So Addictive

Yeeeah. This morning, it was the keyboard sample from this song.

So…

Holla!

I kick up the treble tone on my radio tape player box, right?

“Everyday Poppa”

Slynk

2010

 

Yet another long delay in new updates — the songs are always there for me, of course, so I apologize once more! I’ll go ahead and put it out there that over the past few months, a little bump in life has developed, but I’ll be okay… just a bit preoccupied, probably.

Therefore, I’m going to ask you (dear reader!) to actually pester me to update. I welcome all demands for new posts — comment on an entry or e-mail me any time at wp@saritate.com, and I should get off my ass and give you some music. If I missed a day of posting, feel free to just nudge me so I don’t go AWOL.

 

 

I can ride my bike with no handlebars!

“Handlebars”

Flobots

2008

Fight with Tools

My “$19.95 Rule”

“The Prayer”

Kid Cudi

2008

A Kid Named Cudi (Mixtape)

 

… which samples

“The Funeral”

Band of Horses

2006

Everything All the Time

 

So, since every health insurance company turned into Hitler on January 1st, I had to jump through a ton of hoops to continue coverage for a medication I’ve taken every morning for the past two years or so. My script ran out while the pharmacy and my insurance company took their sweet time getting the paperwork in order, and my doctor kept having to deal with that mess on her own. CVS and/or BCBS were supposed to call me as soon as my refill was authorized, but naturally, they did not. I called them first thing this morning so someone could tell me I wouldn’t have to pay $400 for a $10 bottle of pills. Theoretically, I could have gone on the black market, though… it would probably have been cheaper.

Anyway, I got my pills, but I also decided to take advantage of the sale of Christmas chocolate (naturally). Unfortunately, when I deviate from the pharmacy, I get trapped in the section of “As Seen on TV” products, ogling products that no one should ever buy for any reason.

 

THE ONLY MAN TO SPEAK ENTIRELY IN CAPS LOCK

Miss you, big guy

This time, I found the Cami Secret.

 

 

Boob Apron

aka "Boob Apron" aka "Titkerchief"

Now, Reddit threw a huge fit when these comercials started, because, well… Reddit really likes boobs. I get that. Boobs are awesome. But there’s a problem. This is how I gain and lose weight:

Gain weight: 50% goes to boobs –> Lose weight: 0% lost from boobs

Boob weight sucks, in case you didn’t know. I was perfectly happy as a B cup, then after a period of weight gain and weight loss, perfectly content as a C cup. However, once you have more than a C cup, every shirt you ever owned or would like own… how should I put this… well, your cup runneth over. Your button-downs suddenly need double-stick tape to avoid gaping across your chest and every V-neck shirt you own is suddenly a shirt for the club. The girls just pop out and go “WHAT’S UP WORLD, LOOK AT THIS HERE CLEAVAGE!” and, even in many situations where you might go a buy a larger size just to avoid chesticle issues, even the most modest V-neck can make you look like a promiscuous drunk girl at a conservative college.

 

That is WAY too close

Just FYI, that's going to be a horrible throw.

I normally scoff at the random crap they try to sell on TV, except for when I’m in some sort of altered mental state. The day after New Year’s 2008, I had to make a rule after buying Tater Mitts while laying around with friends who were still at my apartment from my New Year’s party two nights before. I have no real excuse for buying them (besides the fact that I was generally just not in a state to make any financial decisions), but I did so anyway. I eat potatoes and potato products pretty infrequently, so purchasing this particular product made even less sense. I did it anyway, though — and was, of course, disappointed when I discovered that the gloves were just covered in bits of ground-up hard plastic, the potatoes had to be boiled beforehand, and the Perfect Fries accessory was just something in my kitchen utensil drawer that would cut me for no reason.

After that, I made a deal with myself that I could only buy stupid infomercial products (which are sold in stores, too) if they were $19.95 or less — and if I bought something that was $19.95, I was allowed no more infomercial products for the rest of the year.

 

dolla dolla billz y'all

I'm sorry Mr. Jackson, I am for reeeeeal.

So, walking in CVS today, I was drawn to the As Seen on TV section like a pothead to Cheetos. When I saw these little fake camisoles, I began to wonder — how many shirts did I no longer wear because my boobs had now expanded to the point that the shirt only covered the R-rated bits? I have a million tank tops to wear underneath shirts like this, but they do actually shift around like crazy and I end up looking like a linebacker with extra padding on my torso. I repeated my rule to myself, and then looked at the shelf price.

 

NINE DOLLARS AND NINETY-NINE CENTS

$9.99


With reckless abandon, I grabbed the THREE-PACK! and went back to the pharmacy. I came home, took a shower, snapped a $3.33 swatch of fabric to my bra, then dug around for a shirt that I’d once loved but hidden away until the day I might get breast reduction surgery.

Best $9.99 I’ve spent ALL YEAR.

I also bought a 50% off bag of Christmas chocolate — so I’m going to sit around in my fancy shirts tonight, eat discount chocolate, watch free 1080p content on my Roku (now that I kicked my ridiculous cable TV bill to the curb), and hope to see snow tonight. The first Friday of 2011 is a very good Friday — I expect all future Fridays to measure up to this standard.

“H to the izz-O, V to the izz-A — Fo’ shizzle my nizzle, used to dribble down in VA.”

This is not the song I woke up with today.

It was, however, played on NPR today during Terri Gross’s interview with Jay-Z.

So, on behalf of all the embarrassed white kids who didn’t know what the hell this song meant, but liked it anyway:

Thank you, Terri Gross.


“Izzo (H.O.V.A.)

Jay-Z

2001

The Blueprint

“biggie, biggie, biggie, can’t you see? sometimes your words just hypnotize me.”

Hypnotize

Notorious B.I.G.

1997

Life After Death

“oye, muñeca ya mueve la cadera sobre el ritmo y las trompetas. feel the beat kick hard como escopeta.”

Return of the Tres

Delinquent Habits

2000

Merry Go Round

Yes, this song was in a Nike commercial.